I have been staring at this screen for like 10 minutes because I just don’t know where to start. This post might be all over the place, but I feel like I need to get all of this out. Where do I begin?
I have had food issues for as long as I can remember. Food was always used to celebrate something happy or comfort something sad. In my teens up until my mid 20s I had issues with binge eating. When I lost a ton of weight in my mid 20s, I did most of it in a pretty unhealthy way: I was WAY under eating and this led to hair loss and even more food restrictions… which leads to binges. Through a lot of work and learning about myself, I have improved my binge eating. I haven’t binged in over 4 years. However, I still, to this day, use food as a crutch. Bad day? Eat something “bad.” Overwhelmed? Something “bad.” Stressed? Something “bad.” You get the point. (I put the word bad in quotes, because I now know there is no such things as good or bad food… there is nutrient dense food and less nutrient dense food. No food is bad.)
When I started to gain back some of the weight I had lost, I was going through a really hard time mentally. Very few people know about all of that and I won’t go into much detail. But I stopped caring about what I was eating because my mentality was literally “Well, I won’t be around much longer anyways, so who cares if I gain weight back.” Luckily, thank God, I have done a complete turn around from those feelings, have worked on myself, and have grown.
But again, I was using food. And now I am trying so hard to lose the weight I gained with having Leonel. I am trying so hard to change. And I do so good for a little while and then I am literally like “fuck it” and I stop. And guess what I do? I turn to food and overeat and eat shit I shouldn’t. And I know all of the things. I know how to lose weight the right way. I know to be patient. I know weight loss doesn’t have instant gratification. I know it’s about consistency. I mean, I just wrote a fucking post yesterday about discipline and motivation and today I am wanting to just stop all of this all together. And I HATEEEE that I am like this. And again, I know the things. I know only I can do it. I know I just need to try every single day. Yet… I just can’t keep a steady pace.
I am also doing all of the right things by strength training, not restricting any foods, drinking water, and walking. I am not doing a crazy day diet. I am not under eating. I am not doing anything crazy.
Now let’s welcome my issues with gluten. I have celiac and I do not take care of it. This leads me to be very, very sick. Like up all night barfing sick. And it’s another issue where I ask myself why do I do this too myself? In any other aspect of life I am patient and I have a very high level of self control. But not with food. Not with losing weight.
Why is this?? Why am I letting myself fail? I’ve done this before. I know what to do to lose weight and be back at what I want to be. I just can’t be patient and I have such a crutch with food. Maybe I need to see a therapist that focuses on food issues? I dunno.
I do know I am frustrated with myself. And I do know that I am letting myself fail. And I just need to figure it out.